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Motherhood & Life

>> Monday, May 9, 2011

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a mother. From stuffing pillows in my shirt to play pretend pregnant to daydreaming about a house full of babies that all call me momma.  The day that Jackson was born, my dream surely came true, but life lately is not how I daydreamed it to be.

I wouldn't trade being a mother for the world. I never even knew my heart was capable of loving so unconditionally until Jackson was placed in my arms. Each day brings a new challenge, a new phase, and a deeper love. Waking up every morning to see my sweet boy is such a blessing, sometimes I don't know what I did to deserve such a gift.

But, some days I wish I could just soak in "motherhood" and be nothing more than a momma for a day. No laundry to do, or medications to keep track of, or gifts to buy, or work to do, or pressure to keep it all straight, or worry about potty training, or stressing about building a new house, or telling my husband what to do.

You see, when I dreamed about being a momma I didn't know what that title really meant.  In my dreams there were far more hours playing and chasing each other and reading books and morning snuggles that last until noon.  Sadly, in my reality there are more hours spent changing sheets and running the household then playing and reading and laughing.

My life in general needs more playing, and much more laughter.  I have plenty of laughter and joy in motherhood, but sometimes I feel like I'm in this game of life alone. 

I spent my Mother's day doing exactly what I thought I wanted, but as I laid by the pool when Jackson was napping, my partner in life wasn't there with me.  He was out doing what he wanted to do for the day.  And I suddenly realized that I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, at all.  

It's not really a "happy" Mother's day when you realize that you've taken care of everyone around you, but no one has really thought to take care of you and you're alone.

When life gets so busy and routine, it's easy to take people for granted.  And as a mother, I vow to never let my son take anything or anyone for granted.  Ever.  Life is too special to not love with all your heart and make the people you love really know it!
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6 comments:

Lyryn May 9, 2011 at 12:04 PM  

I'm sorry your mister wasn't there. That would be hard to handle. been there... :( Praying for ya!

Rachel Harvey May 9, 2011 at 12:20 PM  

I hear you, and I can totally relate! We are trying to prepare to get our house on the market, so my husband was working on the house while I cared for Weston. It was a great day, and Weston and I had a great time, but it was just tough. I wanted us to be able to spend the day together, as a family, doing something fun! It's been a tough weekend and day for me, and I'm feeling very alone right now though right now, I feel like I should be SO happy. Thinking of you! :)

Megan May 9, 2011 at 1:01 PM  

My yesterday was an ordinary day, too. I kept waiting to be spoiled and instead I had a sick baby and laundry with the added stress of a family get together. All mommas feel your pain, I promise. :(

Okay, first thing on your list when your house is finished: a cleaning lady! Couldn't live without her around here! :)

Robin May 9, 2011 at 3:19 PM  

So honest. It's almost like no matter how many times I tell someone what I need, I am always surprised when I don't get it. After church (where I spent more time crying that I was prepared for - once infertile, always infertile), we ate leftovers, I played with baby, then put her down to do my weekly coupon clipping and then off to the grocery store. Even working part-time, I still feel like I am drowing in a house that's never clean and laundry that's never done. Sigh.

Jennifer May 10, 2011 at 8:14 AM  

Happy Belated Mother's Day!! I love that you have come to terms that motherhood is not what we all thought it would be. I only realized this a little while ago myself! There is so much in life that gets in the way of laughter and being happy. We have to make it a point to live our life the way we want to. I hope you at least got some color out by the pool :)

the mcquire family May 10, 2011 at 8:45 AM  

Oh sister...all I can say is AMEN!! I felt the same way on Sunday. Nothing compares to being a mother but, to be shown how appreciated you are goes a LONG way. Praying for you and constantly praying for all of the Mama's out there. For we need some serious strength for this role in life. Lots of love to you!! xoxo

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