Baby 2.0

I'm not sure if I have total baby fever - or complete baby fear. I feel like half of my friends are announcing pregnancies or births, while the other half is dealing with infertility. And while the pregnancies and births make my uterus crave a baby - to the point of temping and charting and planning out the perfect date night to try and make a baby - seeing the pain and praying for my friends that are still trying to get their BFP - leaves me ready to run for the hills.

In all honesty, some of my fear of wanting another baby stems from our struggle with infertility, but there is also the uncertainty of being ready for another. Jackson totally rocked our world. It was months before Mr. and I adjusted to parenthood, with the help of a great counselor. I'm not naive enough to think that some of our issues won't surface again, but are we ready?!?

Mr. is 37 and I'm a month away from turning 29 - so our clocks are definitely ticking, which was confirmed by my doctor this week as well.  But, with the new house and paying off our vehicles, it's not like we have thousands of extra dollars laying around to pay for fertility treatments.

We pay 100% out of pocket for all treatments - every ultrasound, lab test, medication, and doctor visits.  Just to give you an idea, Jackson was over $3,000.  Thankfully, we got pregnant our first cycle.  My fear is that we won't be so lucky the next time around.  At what point do you stop - how do you put a price tag on a child?!? Jackson is completely priceless.

So with all this said, I had my annual exam with my OB/GYN on Tuesday.  I walked in to the appointment both nervous and excited.  I was hoping he'd tell me that my cycles looked great - be it irregular - but that I was possibly fertile.  And that he'd say I was young, have fun, make a baby - when you're ready.

Instead, I left there totally deflated and even more confused then ever.  It's taken me two days just to process everything.

Mr. and I have not used birth control since right after we got married - and have never gotten pregnant on our own, in 4 years.  Have we been trying all that time - not exactly, but apparently it was alarming to my doctor that I had not gotten pregnant yet.

Am I having an irregular cycle - no doubt - but I am still having a cycle on my own.  I'm a glass half full kind of gal:)

Sure, I'm about to be 29.  I was 25 when we started trying to get pregnant for Jackson.  Getting pregnant only gets harder the older you get, so my doctor doesn't understand what I'm waiting for.  He seriously asked me this.

Yes, my RE told me I was in premature ovarian failure - but couldn't that have changed since I got pregnant and started having a cycle again?!? I guess not, since my doctor practically picked up the phone and scheduled an appointment with my RE for me.

Hold the phone. 

I really want to see if we can do this on our own.  I realize that I am getting older.  That every month that passes my biological clock is ticking even harder.  And that last month's perfect chart may have been a total fluke, as this month is not a repeat.

But, I am going to give us a couple of month to see what happens.  I have some comfort knowing that if it doesn't happen on our own, I have a doctor that will fast-track me through to my RE.  If next months chart is as screwed up as this month, then I will do a CD 3 FSH ovarian reserve test and go from there. 

And just like that, I am coming out that we are trying for baby Wilson 2.0.  As my sister said to me last night - just do it.  So, we're going for it. 

Ready or not!