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Unbecoming feelings

>> Friday, February 19, 2010

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes —accurately or not— that they have violated a moral standard, and bear sole responsibility for that violation.[1] It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

I have been feeling this a lot lately. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and its crushing me. My mind won't stop and I really want it to. Then I think maybe, if I put my feelings out there and get it off my chest, I'll feel better. I want to focus on the things I have to be thankful for. And I have so much to be thankful for! Here it goes:

I feel guilty for leaving Jackson 5 days a week.
I feel guilty for having a college degree (an expensive one, that I will pay for every month even after Jackson is in college) and wanting to stay home and raise children.
I feel guilty for wishing Mr. made more money so that I could stay home.
I feel guilty for realizing that I would probably miss working, if in fact I did stay home.
I feel guilty for not being a better wife.
I feel guilty for not loving my "after baby body", so that I can be a better wife.
I feel guilty for always focusing on what Mr. didn't do, instead of what he did do.
I feel guilty for not being a better friend.
I feel guilty for being so, so very tired. I am exhausted - emotionally and physically.
I feel guilty for feeling guilty.
I feel guilty for wanting more.
I feel guilty for sleeping on Sundays, instead of taking my family to church.
I feel guilty for bearing so much weight, but not being able to let Mr. share in my burden.
I feel guilty for feeling burdened by my household roles.
I feel guilty for for posting this.
I feel guilty for not just being thankful.

There I said it, and you know sometimes it does feel good to get it off your chest!

8 comments:

Little Mama February 19, 2010 at 1:08 PM  

Just read your post ... Mommy Guilt is so tough and we all have it at one time or another! I think it comes with the job :) I have felt so many of your feelings and worked full-time until my oldest was three. Now, I definitely understand that great moms stay home AND great moms work, too!!! Hang in there ... you are such a sweet Mama!

Amy February 19, 2010 at 1:25 PM  

Wow, i could have written that myself! All of it!

:) Hopefully, the guilt gets better, but i dont think i could ever leave my chunk and not feel something

Meant to be a mom February 19, 2010 at 2:33 PM  

I feel guilty for so many of the same things you feel guilty for. I understand what you mean. I'm sorry that your struggling with these things as well. My biggest is the leaving my son 5 days a week. It breaks my heart to the core, I can hardly sleep at night.
I hope that in the future you are able to find what works better for you to make your life more of what you want. And don't feel bad. Your a good mom, you worry about things most of us mommy's worry about.

Katie February 19, 2010 at 4:38 PM  

Wow, I'm pretty darn sure that numbers 1-4 will really hit home when one day I have kids.

The Shorts February 19, 2010 at 5:43 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Shorts February 19, 2010 at 5:46 PM  

go have a glass of wine and cheer the hell up! and yes, i can say that because i am your sister!

Megan February 20, 2010 at 7:11 PM  

I completely understand. I think all new moms have those thoughts and feelings at some point. Just focus on ALL the positive things in your life. I'm sure you're doing your very best and your guys are lucky to have you!

Tim and Heather February 27, 2010 at 12:36 PM  

Kristen, I think feeling guilty is the opposite side of feeling thankful and feeling attached to people that you love in this world. I think if you didn't feel guilt, you wouldn't feel the good stuff too. I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing with everyone, and I hope it made you feel better. It just means you're being a great mom and partner. :)

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