If at first you don't succeed...

If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again!

Early this morning, I was woken up by an all too familiar feeling of wanting to die from menstrual cramps and soaking the bed.  Just 23 days ago this cycle started, and it has come to an end.  This may be the shortest cycle I have ever had, but I can't say that I'm surprised.

I started to have intense cramping last night, and finally broke down on the way home from an awesome night out.  I just love the fast that PMS can swing you from having the best time with your family of three, to having tears stream down your face as you pull in the driveway.  I knew that the morning would bring my period.  But, honestly it was just the cleansing I needed to start off a new cycle for us.

My boys made me laugh and my heart explode with love for them both.  Jackson reassured me that he really wants a baby brodder, but not a sister, unless Daddy will let us name her Matilda.  And Mr. promised that he would work two jobs, if he ever needed to, to pay for us to make a baby.  I'm a pretty frugal person, so it kills me to pay what we do in the hopes of making a baby.  I mean, what if we completely drain our savings and in the end still aren't pregnant? It terrifies me that something will happen where we'd need that money and I let my family down by not being able to get pregnant the "normal" way.

I realize these past few posts have been pretty raw.  But, it is therapeutic for me to get it off my chest and on the blog.  And maybe someday when our daughter, Matilda, is a teenager and hates me for something ridiculous, I can share this with her and let her know what went into bringing her into this world:)

So, here's to a more positive outlook and thinking on this cycle and moving forward!

I met with my doctor this morning, and she helped me understand a few things.  First, she said that I responded very well to the medicine and she would not recommend changing a thing.  Second, I didn't start my period early because I ovulated earlier than the trigger shot.  I started early (only 12 days after ovulation) because the medication can cause your body to recognize that your body isn't pregnant and start to shed and cleanse on its own.  Third, a follicle won't release on its own until it measures 24mm.  So, my 22mm was a good follicle.  It just might not of had an egg inside of it, and there is no way to know that.  My right ovary housed that follicle, but my left ovary ovulated the 14mm follicle that wasn't mature.

After my ultrasound, I got the all clear to try again with another medicated cycle.  I met with the nurse and she put together my schedule for me.  Due to Easter and weekends, she had to manipulate things a little bit.  But, she said that in her experience - the more hectic the schedule, the better outcome she's seen! 

My medicine should arrive tomorrow, I will start Femara on Monday (CD4) and Follistim shots on Wednesday (CD 6 - 10).  Next ultrasound is on April 9th (CD11) and we'll see how I responded. Trigger shot and date nights will depend on my ultrasound.

Here we go, again! Round 2.

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Just keep swimming...

Even before I was a mom to the most precious, almost 3-year-old in the world, I watched my fair share of Disney movies.  From growing up with princesses to talking "whale" and singing little tunes, it all makes me smile in my adult life.  Sometimes those little tunes even help remind me that you just have to keep going and be thankful for every blessing you have.

Today, I'm humming a song by a blue fish named Dora.  Her song is my mantra for the week.  When life gets you down, you gotta just keep swimming, just keep swimming... I have so much that I need to stay afloat for, I must keep swimming and moving forward!

But, I can't shake the negative feelings I have had about this cycle.  Since finding out I didn't respond as well to the fertility medication as my doctor hoped, I've been down.  It's like I set my self up for this, and I know it.  Each morning as I take my temperature and know it's too low to be pregnant, I continue on to pee on a stick and only see two lines in my head - not in my hand.

I know, it's early.  I know, it could be a false negative.  I know, there is still hope.

And I have hope, gosh do I have hope.

Unfortunately, I also have mother's intuition  And my gut knows that this cycle just wasn't it.  My gut knows that 12 days after ovulation I should have a faint second line, a bit of tenderness, tiredness, something.

Whatever the outcome, and believe me when I say that I'm still hoping, I will keep swimming.  I will keep moving forward on this journey.  I will stay afloat for the two precious guys in my life, that make my heart tick.

I just hope that this unsightly bloat that finally caught up to me, finds its way out of here before I have to start pumping myself full of drugs once again! Or that I can say yes, yes there is a baby in there and it's okay to stare and wonder why I all of a sudden look so very pregnant.

Friday, March 23.  6DPO

Friday, March 23.  6DPO

Tuesday, March 27. 10DPO

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!

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The Heart of an Infertile

I have been following this blog for a couple of years now.  Sarah has a way with words that I believe is truly a gift.  She has a beautiful family and love for God that is contagious.

Sarah wrote a guest post yesterday that hit home in a way not all can understand.  I have never read a more beautiful post about a woman's mindset and heart when dealing with infertility.  Whether your young or old, with child or without - please take a moment to read this post!

Loves:)

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The deed is done...

Mr. and I headed to New Orleans Friday night for a firm function and had a really nice evening away in the city.  Jackson stayed at Lolipop's and had a large time, of course, so we tried to have a large time ourselves;) The hotel must have known that we needed a good night away in preparation for makin' baby Wilson 2.0 as they upgraded us to a sweet presidential suite!

Mr. on Saturday morning before we checked out

And in true baby Wilson makin' fashion, I had to set up my trigger shot medication in a random bathroom and frantically try to remember what to do. Yes, one would think I would have learned my lesson after the last time, but I did not!

I was so concerned about forgetting the package of medication, needles, alcohol wipes and my sharps bin that I forgot the most important thing - the instructions! You would think that they would be included in the pretty little package, instead they were at home, in my closet...

I'm pretty sure that I ended up doing everything correctly, and I won't let myself think otherwise! Thank goodness Mr. was in the bathroom with me, or I may have injected myself full of air bubbles.  He kindly stood by my side and told me all of this was so worth it in the end...I needed the reassurance when I could not get the damn needle to go into my stomach! Why they make this shot so hard to administer in comparison to the Follistim pen in beyond me.

The aftermath of the trigger shot

Anyhoo, we were only a couple hours late to the function - traffic also played a part in this, not just my inability to remember instructions and inject myself with yet another hormone.  Not to mention having to time the shot accordingly so that we'd be able to "do the deed" 24 and 48 hours later.  It takes some critical planning I tell you!

So, what's done is done and now we wait.

The first part of the cycle always seem to pass much faster than this long two week wait to, God willing, see those precious two pink lines.

I'm still feeling well, but am starting to have times of bloating, cramping, twinges and discomfort.  Besides being extremely tired, I can't really say that I feel pregnant just yet.  I wish I had that strong gut feeling that it worked, like I did with Jackson.  Maybe it's because this time I know just how much is on the line...

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It's go time!

I had my appointment this morning with Dr. S & Dr. A to look at how my ovaries are producing so far, and I have to say I was a bit disappointed.  I'm not really surprised at the lack of "hyper" stimulation because I've been feeling so well all week.  The ultrasound tech confirmed that I should be feeling very full and bloated, which I am neither.

My stomach isn't totally "flat" but it is surly not bloated. 

After 5 days, I got good enough to snap a pic and stick myself:)

My uterine lining looked beautiful and measured nice and thick at a 12 (must be above an 8).  My left ovary didn't get the memo that it needed to produce follicles.  There were a couple 7mm and 10mm, but that's it.  My right ovary had a couple 7mm, 10mm, 11mm, one 14mm and a rock star 22mm.  In order to induce ovulation the follicles must measure 18mm.  I had hoped for more then one follicle to give us better chance, but everyone is kindly reminding me that it only takes 1!

So incredibly different this time around, I was in maternity clothes from the bloat last time!

The nurse called at lunch and said that my blood work came back great and it's time to trigger ovulation.  My E2 level was 425 and my progesterone was .69 (still not really familiar with these levels and what they mean).

Follistim shot time

Anyway, this means that I have one last shot to do tonight (the HCG trigger shot) and then "date" night Saturday and Sunday.  Let's just hope testing day doesn't fool us - it's April Fools Day!

Prayers and positive thoughts are appreciated, as always!

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Gold Star: Momma Moment

I'm just going to put it out there that I totally feel like I deserve a momma gold star today, if such a thing even exists. It probably doesn't, but I'm still patting myself on the back because I feel like I accomplished a lot before 8:30 momma moment this morning!

Those of you who know me well can appreciate the fact that I feel like I've climbed a mountain or something today.

I like love to sleep.  And I used to be really good at it.  However, which each passing year I get worse and worse at falling asleep - and staying sleeping.  Just about the time that Mr.'s obnoxiously early alarm goes off is the time that I'm finally drifting away in slumber land.  It sucks, but Mr. is a rock star daddy and always takes one for the team to let me get in as much sleep as I possibly can.

With that being said, Mr. generally takes the "morning shift" that includes getting Jackson ready, making coffee and our breakfast shakes, and dropping Jackson off at school.  I normally take the "evening shift" which is our bedtime routine - bath, breathing treatment and medicines, etc.  It works well for us.

Anyway, Mr. had to run to Houston for a meeting today so I was on my own last night and this morning.  Most of you are probably laughing hysterically at me, but I was nervous about getting both of us dressed and to school and work - on time. 

I was supposed to spend the night with my parents because I'm technically not supposed to be lifting Jackson or getting him in and out of his car seat while I'm hyper-stimulating my ovaries. But, at the last minute I decided that spending the night out was more work then it was really worth.  To be honest I feel fine, which is 100x better then I did the last time around (more on that later).  My parents came to give Jackson his bath last night and Jackson got himself in and out of the car this morning.  No lifting or twisting was done with a 35lbs. toddler to risk my ovaries any harm.

So, in a nutshell, I was able to get a full nights sleep, wake up when my alarm went off, snuggle with Jackson for a minute when he woke up, get both of us dressed and ready for our day, get Jackson to school before 8:10 (the breakfast cut-off time), run through Starbucks for my venti black coffee to fuel my day (I'm good, but not that good), and make it to work at exactly 8:30 just in time for my first meeting of the day! 

Morning concurred, mountain climbed, mission accomplished - GOLD STAR!

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Help Jackson!

Okay y'all, Jackson really needs your help today!

He's entered in a contest to win #1 Draft Pick for JV Clothiers model search. If you haven't already, please click here and cast your vote.  To vote, you must be on Facebook with a computer.  Unfortunately, smartphones aren't compatible with the app.

Today is the last day for voting, so you only have until midnight!

Please and thank you:)

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Rainy days

Jackson has been tickled to death that he's been able to wear his rain boots to school a few days now, since it has in fact been raining! I know, it's a hard concept for an almost 3-year-old to grasp.  The weather has been rainy and dreary for what seems likes weeks now, and there's no end in the forecast anytime soon.  Oh do I miss my sunshine!

When we got home last night Jackson ran for his bubbles in the garage and begged to blow bubbles in the rain.  And with a face this cute, I certainly couldn't say no!

So, we went on the back porch and blew bubbles, listened to the thunder roll, and chased lizards until the rain picked up again.  I haven't taken out my camera in weeks, which still needs to be repaired, but I was able to snap a few pictures that just make me smile!

chasing lizards...

blowing bubbles...

Listening to the thunder, his pants got soaked with spilled bubbles:)

The expression of a toddler finding a lizard in the rain, priceless:)

he melts my heart!

For moments like this, I'd take weeks of the rain:)

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One shot down...

There's no turning back now!

Friday night I took all 10 of my Femara pills and tonight was my first Follistim shot.

So far, so good.

I had an excruciating headache that lasted pretty much all day Saturday, but a little happy hour and sushi with my family seemed to fix things.  And if that didn't, then seeing my mom and Jackson chase down a firetruck so Jackson could check it out sure did! The things my mom will do for this kid:)

I stepped on the scale this morning and have lost 4.5 of the 6lbs. I gained from taking progesterone. I know its all worth it, but I am thankful I'm not starting these meds with the extra pounds hanging on.  I say that after just devouring an entire Ben & Jerry's all by myself - my reward for sticking myself with a little needle:)

The time change is kicking all of our butts.  I hate the first few days of the change, but surely love the extra daylight in the evening. 

Jackson has been waking up earlier than normal lately and today we could not get him to take a nap, despite our best efforts.  And no sooner then we got in the car to run our errands, he started to nod off in his car seat.  I managed to keep him awake, but he passed out as soon as we got to Target.  It was actually pitiful, he was so darn tired! He has never fallen asleep in a shopping cart before!

Anyway, here's to another week and praying my follicles grow just right.  Per my doctors orders, I'm drinking water like its my second job and I'm taking it as easy as possible!

 

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The Schedule

I had my lovely date with the dildo cam this morning, and I'm happy to report that I passed to proceed with our medicated cycle as planned.  For those of you that have never had a date like this before, well you're totally missing out.  I kid. I kid.  It's a vaginal ultrasound that can only be best described as said dildo cam:)

In order to do a medicated cycle the vaginal ultrasound is done to ensure your ovaries don't have any cysts and your uterine lining is nice and thin from starting your period.  And yes, this is done while you're on your period.  Tampon comes out, cam goes in.  See, I told you that you were missing out if you've never been oh so lucky to have this done!

Once I passed this test, I met with the scheduling nurse to review my cycle calendar and go over the injection instructions.  The last test I had to pass was to correctly load the Follistim pen.  Who knew there would be so many tests this morning?!? I was a little rusty, and forgot how hard to you have to push down on the pen, but I got it.

My schedule is as follows:
Cycle Day 3: Femara-Letrozole 25mg
Take all 10 pills at bedtime

Cycle Day 5 - 9: Folllistim injections 75u
Begin injections and give at the same time each night.
Injections rotated nightly between the right and left of belly button or just under.
Noting last time for intercourse is cycle day 8 until date night

Cycle Day 10: Next ultrasound to check my follicles
I need to have one or two follicles measuring 18mm before we can trigger ovulation

With Jackson I needed an extra shot of Follistim, so we'll see how this cycle plays out.  Once I get the okay, I will administer my HCG shot that triggers the ovaries to release the mature follicles/eggs.  And, well then its time for scheduled date nights;)

So there it is. My meds are scheduled to be delivered tomorrow morning.  I'm super excited, scared, and nervous.  But, more than anything - I'm ready!

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And so it begins, CD1

Exactly one week after I finished 10 days of progesterone hell, I awoke in the middle of the night swimming in blood. TMI - perhaps, but hey, I've never been so excited to change the sheets my PJs in the middle of the night!

Drum roll please...today, March 7th, is cycle day one of our first ovulation induction cycle on our baby Wilson 2.0 journey!

I have an appointment at Dr. S & Dr. A's office tomorrow to give them a big ol' check and review my cycle calendar.   Their nurse said that she was calling in my meds this morning and that I'd start taking Femera on Friday.  We're sticking with Femara and Follistim, just like we did with Jackson.

The only difference between this cycle and "Jackson's cycle" is that our family knows this time! I still can't believe I kept everything from them to begin with.  However, I can't exactly say that they would have been on board at the time.  My mom and sister, who are insanely fertile, were totally in the mind set that you just have sex and you get pregnant.  They thought I wasn't getting pregnant because my type A self was obsessing and that was the problem...Which was why this blog and all of you became such an important part of my life! My family didn't know about the blog until after Jackson was born.

So, four years later and a little living proof that I needed some medical help, I am more then sure everyone is on board!  I have to say what a difference this is going to be.  Knowing that we have all of our family to pray for us and support us, no matter what the outcome is.  No sweaty palms, hiding and feelings of guilt for keeping a huge secret from my mom.  And, most importantly, I'm not embarrassed and ashamed that I can't make a baby without the help of baby makin' hormones!

Here's to hoping, praying, and crossing our fingers and toes that we'll have baby Wilson 2.0 just in time for Christmas!

I'll update more tomorrow after my appointment.  I can't thank y'all enough for following along as we go through this emotional roller coaster once more!

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What's Up With the Wilsons

Thank goodness it's Friday y'all! I am so stinking excited for the weekend. The weather is supposed to be sunny and I plan on being outside as much as possible. I am craving some fresh air and play time with my boys! We've been so stir crazy lately that Jackson literally turned himself into a "Jack-in-the-box"!

Did I mention that Jackson is officially potty-trained! He's been trained for a little over a month now, but I wanted to be sure before I made the big announcement:) It is still surreal to me that I will never have to buy diapers for him again, pull-up's maybe, but the powdery smell of Pampers won't be inhaled until we're blessed with another baby.  Jackson wears his big boy Buzz Lightyear underwear during the day and pull-ups for bedtime. He does wake up dry, but I am not about to change sheets in the middle of the night in the unfortunate circumstance that he would wet the bed. 

Big boy in his class picture!

In other Jackson news, we finished up his 6 week round of antibiotics on Wednesday night.  I am praying that this really "fixed" him this time around, and that we make it a good month without getting sick! He remained well the entire time he was on the medicine, except for the two days after Mardi Gras that he ran a random fever.

I finished up 10 days of progesterone on Tuesday night, which I hope to never have to take again, so the waiting game has begun for my period to start.  Over those 10 days I bloated worse then ever and gained 6 unsightly pounds.  It kicked my ass, and I've never been so happy to throw away an empty pill bottle in my life! And I'm on a mission to kick those 6 pounds before I have to start injecting myself with baby-makin' hormones and the real weight gain begins! I'm down 3, so I'm hoping I can drop the last 3 by next week - eek!

I had a bit of a pity-party for my hormone induced, fat self, last Saturday afternoon.  After cleaning the house and the empty bedroom that has been waiting to be a nursery for 10 long months, I decided to turn it into Jackson's playroom.  I mean a watched pot never boils, right?!? Jackson isn't too sure about his new space, and prefers to play in his room.  We'll see what comes of it though.

Jackson has a new rain boot obsession, I have no clue where he gets this from:)

This may be the most random post ever, but we've had a lot going on lately!

Another friend of mine, also named Stephanie, and her husband started a precious boys clothing line.  JV Clothiers was formed for those parents looking for high-quality, "preppy" collegiate sports attire for boys beyond jon-jons.  Anyway, their clothes are too cute and they are currently hosting a draft pick model search, and I would love for you to take a moment to vote for Jackson.  Please and thank you:)

Lastly, don't forget that when L.M.N.O.P Embroidery & Gifts reaches 100 fans, I'll have great giveaway for you! Stephanie is only 11 fans away, have you liked her page yet?!?

I hope all have a great weekend, here's to hoping next week brings us CD 1 and progress on Baby Wilson 2.0!

Loves:)

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