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Losing control

>> Thursday, November 18, 2010

It's no secret that I'm a complete and total control freak. I have to be in control to make my life work. I hate a surprise and not knowing what the day holds for me.

Thankfully, Mr. allows tolerates this behavior.

When I'm not in control I feel like everything is spinning and I panic. In the past 24 hours I have lost control, and it's not pretty. I had a little melt down last night and prayed for the ability to accept whatever God has planned for us.

Jackson still has fluid in his ears and now Strep throat. He is on a third round of antibiotics and we're waiting for the first available appointment with an ENT. I want my child to be well more than life itself. I hate that I cannot heal him. I don't understand how my child who stays home has turned into such a sick baby in the past month.

Our amazing, loving, trustworthy, rock star nanny may have to leave us at the end of the year. I cannot begin to tell you how sick this makes me feel. Jackson loves her as much as he loves us. She is truly an extension of our family. I believe that she was brought into our lives for a reason and I don't want her to go. I don't have the energy or want to start another nanny search. And I'm not ready to put my sick baby into daycare when his immune system is so run down.

As I type, potential buyers are taking one last look at our home. I'm not 100% sure that they will put an offer on our house, but the stream of emotions surrounding this is nerve racking.

Before the year's end we could theoretically have to: go through surgery with Jackson for tubes, find another nanny or a daycare, and either find a new house or decide to build.

It's no wonder that I don't sleep at night, or that my mind never stops racing, and that I'm losing weight from stress. I'm playing phone tag with my doctor to get my blood results. Her voice mail said that everything looked okay, but that she wanted to review everything with me.

So Dr. Momma Wilson prescribed a family date night at an ice cream parlor last night. Yes, we had ice cream {technically it was frozen yogurt} for dinner. I did make sure that Jackson had fruit with his:)



God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.
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8 comments:

Amber November 18, 2010 at 10:56 AM  

I'm a fellow control freak and I feel your pain. I truly hope everything works out for you and I hope Baby J gets well soon! I hope you don't lose your rock star nanny! Sending hugs!

Lindsey :) November 18, 2010 at 11:15 AM  

Aww, I'm sorry you are stressed. Don't worry about the tubes - Noah's made him into a completely different baby and we're so thankful he has them. And, I'm sure the tubes will make Jackson feel sooo much better! It will all be okay - everything that happens is for a reason and God won't give you more than He knows you can handle. P.S. Go have yourself a big glass of wine!!

Shannon November 18, 2010 at 4:16 PM  

I'm a control freak too and so overly type A. I hope everything works out for y'all. I'm so impressed with his use of the spoon in that picture. When GG eats with a spoon it's all over the place! Haha!

Brooke November 18, 2010 at 4:44 PM  

Awe, you made a great choice to have a family date night of frozen yogurt for dinner....momma knows best!

My son, never went to daycare, had his first ear infection at age 4 along w/ his first antibiotic.....buuuuttt he is now 6, in public school and had his tonisls out in Septembter and on his 2nd round of antibiotics.

Everyone asks me "I thought the surgery was going to make him better, what happened?" Instantly, I am frazzled. I too don't understand why my son can't beat whatever this crud is but I do know that God is in control and he will heal our sons.

Its so hard to watch our kids be sick....but we will cuddle and love them and give them frozen yogurt for dinner - and soon enough; we will all be smiling again.

Sorry if this was too long, too confusing but again Im dealing w/ a sick one at home and my mind is frazzled :)

Hugs to you, Momma Wilson and to Jackson!!

Ashley November 18, 2010 at 5:55 PM  

I want to give you a hug so bad right now, I feel your pain, and as you know I too stress and dont sleep thinking of all of the unknowns...
I have NO advice for you becuase I have no idea what you are going through,
I agree with Lindsey though, you need a big glass of wine tonight! Momma Juice!

Kelly November 18, 2010 at 7:42 PM  

That prayer has gotten me through some rough times. As a fellow 'control freak,' I feel your pain! Deep breaths :)

Jennifer November 18, 2010 at 9:30 PM  

I am sure you are totally feeling like your world is out of your hands. And sometimes it is. You just need to really take one day at a time and everything will fall into place. I hope Jackson gets some sort of relief from his ear infections. And I have told you before, you need to take care of yourself. Be sure to get in contact with your doctor :) I hope frozen yogurt helped a little bit :)

Jenni November 19, 2010 at 10:39 AM  

I am a super control freak and its funny that things always start to get out of control in three's..
Oii... I feel ya.. Take it one day at a time. Jackson will do great with his surgery and once done you will have a brand new, better than ever little boy on your hands!!
Other than that,, Breathe.. Best advice =)

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